Although our goal in Social Phobics Anonymous is to become free of social anxiety, for some of us dealing with an abusive situation or individual may be a part of our recovery process.
The Social Anxiety Paradox: Before we proceed, it is important to note the following paradox-- People with social anxiety are BOTH more likely to be bullied or abused by others AND are ALSO more likely to incorrectly perceive that they are being bullied or abused when they are not being abused at all (due to hypersensitivity and fear).
Since we can both misunderstand or overreact to social interactions more than the average person, and yet are also, as shy or anxious persons, more likely to attract bullies and other predatory personality types . It is important to work carefully in sorting out such situations (or perceived situations). In SPA we do our best to get lots of feedback from others (whose judgment we respect and who are supportive and have lots of experience in the SPA program), to pray for guidance and to make good faith efforts to communicate in a respectful manner (where possible) in order to work out what is really happening in any given situation. Along these lines, each individual group member should refrain from purporting to be an authority on anyone elses experience of being bullied or otherwise abused. In SPA we each work out our own personal issues and we do not 'diagnose' one another other, either privately or in the groups.
A brief note on bullying within the support group. Not everyone with social anxiety is passive. Studies have shown that a small but consistent percentage of people with social anxiety are actually bullies, engaging either in aggressive, or very poisonous and destructive passive-aggressive, social behavior. Group leaders may occasionally have to set limits with such abusive or disruptive group members. This process should necessarily be well-considered where possible, but as a volunteer-run organization, such decisions may at times have to be made on the basis of limited resources. In SPA we do not guarantee service but do so in a volunteer capacity and based on limited time and energy: As a non-professional organization run by volunteers (who also struggle with social anxiety), we can't handle every situation perfectly, although we try to be fair. Avoiding conflicts in our groups and learning to 'live and let live' are good ways to avoid such dilemmas. Our primary purpose in SPA should be personal recovery and self improvement, not changing the program or others.
Nor do we view recovery from social anxiety as being an endless battle against perceived opponents, rivals or enemies: We do not view a lifestyle of struggling with others, or the world, as an effective way of healing ones internal feelings of social anxiety.
In SPA our focus is on developing feelings of peace and confidence achieved through personal, internal recovery: this means learning to set healthy boundaries, not a lifestyle of social aggression; a confident self esteem rather than paranoia; a generous spirit rather than selfishness compounding self-absorption; and a sense of benevolent empowerment as far as is reasonably possible in a sometimes challenging world.
Along these lines we encourage all group members to assiduously avoid gossiping about fellow group members (in public and in private) because social bullies may use this to manipulate or "play" us into helping them to carry out their personal vendettas (See farther down in the article to learn more about how bullies use lies about their targets in order to engage in "social manipulation").
Each of us has choices to make, and so even those who are unknowingly tricked and used by a bully, into attacking another group member, are still accountable for these actions.
Refraining from any and all gossip about other group members is our best defense against this destructive sort of deception and manipulation. Social bullies do appear in our groups from time to time, so be prepared not to be pulled in by their games. A steady focus on ones own personal recovery process, as well as avoiding conflict and drama involving others, will also protect ones personal recovery process from those with other agendas, as well as making the group a healthier and safer place for all.
Back To Our Main Topic-- "When Socially Anxious People Are Bullied in The Workplace or The Family:" Studies
show that people who are shy or anxious are more likely to become targets of
people who like to bully or abuse others. Sometimes relatives, employers or friends of
socially anxious people make the erroneous assumption that any negative claim
made by the social anxiety or shyness sufferer about another individual must
merely be anxious thinking. This is not always the case. Because bullies are
often attracted to socially phobic or shy people, some of these problems are
real and other people around the situation may at times be slow to pick up on
it.
Bullies
often have two entirely different sides. They often present a charming side to people
who are non-targets (or potential allies) and a much more abusive side to
vulnerable individuals whom they have selected as targets.
There are also two general categories of bully (with many variations in style or tactics within each category). The first category of bullies tend to habitually employ direct aggressive behavior towards their victims. These people will be verbally or even physically abusive. The second category of bully habitually employs indirect aggression. These individuals will use social manipulation, (social game playing, distortions of the truth or even outright lies) to play others like pawns against their victims.
**It's important to note that everyone has the occasional bad day, gets frustrated or makes the occasional inappropriate remark. In this case we are talking about individuals who are aggressive towards others (or even to one other person) as a chronic habit. Violence of course being unnaceptable even once.
In
either case the goal is the same, to dehumanize, degrade and marginalize (push
the victim into an outcast status).
Bullies often like to gain influence, status, or even dominance at the
expense of their targets. Because
they tend to show one side to their 'allies' (people may become allies of a
bully without even being aware that the person is a bully)-- and an entirely
different side to their victims, bullies (and their agendas) are not always
easy to detect (especially by 'allies').
Bullies
may also manipulate allies into helping them to conceal or defend their abuse
with a variety of rationalizations and pretenses that seem 'justifiable' on the
surface.
Because
socially anxious individuals already tend to feel (and project) a sense of
being isolated, outcasts or outsiders, they can make attractive targets for
bullies, and their emotional reactions to the abuse can be easily dismissed as
just 'more anxiety'.
In
social phobics anonymous we learn how to respond to bullies in a way that
preserves our boundaries, self esteem, dignity and our safety.
Of
equal importance-- we also learn how to heal and eliminate our social anxiousness so that we longer attract the interest of such individuals.
Fretting or spending a lot of time thinking about a
bully or abusive individual is not our goal. Nor is being goaded into getting visibly
upset. There is actually nothing that a bully wants more than to provoke a
reaction in their victim. This allows the bully to 'prove' to his or her allies
(both conscious and unconscious) that their victim is unstable and deserving of
more exclusion or abuse.
Additionally, doing nothing and passively accepting abuse is not our aim either. In SPA we learn how to act instead of react when faced when bullying. We learn how to effectively respond (both internally and externally) in order to put a halt to abuse directed towards us. In some cases we also learn the value of moving on. Not every battle must be won and sometimes serenity or safety can be gained by finding a healthier relationship or situation if the abuse can not be arrested.
In
Social Phobics Anonymous we recommend
the book "Take the Bully by the Horns : Stop Unethical, Uncooperative, or Unpleasant People from Running and Ruining Your Life" by the author Sam Horn for those dealing with
a pattern of bullying from someone, or for those who have attracted a series of
bullies in their lives. SPA is a not for profit organization and we make no money from the
sale of this book.
This book alone probably won't heal all of ones social anxiety problem, but it will help stop the pattern of direct or indirect abuse that may be blocking our efforts to live happy, contented lives. Combined with persistent and gentle use of the rest of the Social Anxiety Anonymous program of recovery, real progress in overcoming social anxiety can be made.
To learn more about the Social Phobics Anonymous program of recovery and other tools that we use to heal
social anxiety, along with help in finding our free support groups for social
anxiety, Click Here.