Overcoming Social Anxiety Through Service To Others--PLEASE NOTE: Before reading this, please keep in mind that we don’t expect anyone in our support groups to engage in service (helping others). Not everyone is going to use this tool (or if they do, perhaps not right away, or even for a long time) and that’s perfectly fine. In SPA we each choose to only use the tools that we personally feel ready to use and it’s completely okay to only take the steps that we are ready to take when we are ready to take them.
Many of us have been surprised to discover that a regular commitment to service (changing our focus to helping others with no thought of return) is very effective in reducing and can really help in gently overcoming our own social anxiety symptoms—
Service in the Social Anxiety Anonymous / Social Phobics Anonymous program can
be as simple as listening to others and providing them with encouragement and
support. It might also involve more advanced kinds of help like chairing a
group or helping with readings. Some may do service by starting new support
groups or helping to get the word out about SPA. None of these activities
requires a great deal of experience or recovery from social anxiety to
undertake—each activity will actually help greatly to heal ones social anxiety problem.
The only act of service that requires experience and
significant progress in having overcome social anxiety is sponsorship (where a
more experienced SPA member is asked to be a personal coach for another
member). This one special kind of service will be discussed in more depth in a
different section but the usefulness all other kinds of service will be
discussed more at length here.
Contrary to our expectations, we have found a
consistent daily practice of service to be quite effective help for us in a very gentle overcoming of our own social anxiety symptoms-- There have been those who could
never imagine that service could possibly ever work for them. Who felt too
jangled; too scared to try; or for whom service seemed just too trite, too
idealistic (or too codependent) to actually have any practical application.
Many of us felt this way and we have been amazed to discover that a regular
commitment to service, to have a powerful affect on our anxieties and our
worries.
Some may also hold back from engaging in service
because they believe that they must already be on top of their problems before they can
help others. In SPA we have found to the contrary that a regular practice of service
can cause
recovery in the giver and can help the receiver if they are ready. We find that
service comes before mastery of anxiety, not after. That entering into service
in the midst of social anxiety can actually be an important part of the way out
of it.
There are those who feel that service is only for
those who have mastered their fears. Surely, we think, we must be fountains of
knowledge before we can possibly be of help to another socially anxious person.
Although knowledge is useful in the right time and place, we find that simple
acceptance and support—a warm smile, an encouraging remark, the simple gift of
an ear, can be tremendously healing both for the receiver as well as the
giver. So in fact anyone in SPA, even
the newest beginner, can give invaluable service in the simplest of ways. And
in so doing reduce their own fears!
So specific program knowledge or recovery experience
are not necessary at all in order to do service, since we can always refer
people to our recommended literature if we are stumped by any question. There
is certainly a place in our programs to share valuable knowledge about how to
recover form social anxiety but we need not start at this point, we can start
simply by being kind, supportive and welcoming others.
Compassion for others is one key to our own freedom. We
who once asked the question, “How can I help anyone else when I am such a mess
myself?” Reflecting on years, even decades of crippling social fears and
painful isolation, and once viewed the prospect of prospect of reaching out to
another person, even another social anxiety sufferer, and perhaps saw such
steps as part of a daunting or even impossible task have since found that is
this common experience of shared suffering that holds the seeds for our transformation.
Locked in the imprisoning grip of social anxiety, the thing that one sufferer
instantly understands about another is the searing pain and humiliation caused
by this dreadful condition. It is this deep and instantaneous spark of mutual
understanding that often finally allows one SPA member to reach out to another
when the time is right.
Practicing compassion for
others can deepen our compassion for ourselves as well: gentle Overcoming of Social Anxiety is Achieved through Compassion for Self and Others: Not only does service help to cause a deep and
healing shift in focus away from self-obsession, but it also allows us to
actively practice compassion. Expressing compassion toward others helps us to
take the first step towards being kind to ourselves. So much of anxiety is
perpetuated by being very hard on one’s self— In SPA we find that kindness
given to others gives us permission to finally, if only in stages, turn this
kindness on ourselves as well.
Seeing others as ourselves: The socially anxious person tends to be
very hard on her or himself. As the result, we often tend to try too hard at
many things that we do, which also makes us anxious. Fellowship in SPA first
allows us to see others with the same or similar problems and usually it is
easier to feel kindness for others first. When that ‘other’ has social anxiety—
we often, in the process, simultaneously develop more compassion for ourselves
as a part of the bargain. This happens unconsciously without much initial
effort on our part (although additional effort in this area may be needed
later). Kindness towards another with
the same problem as us and, who in some fundamental way, is a lot like us
regardless of exterior circumstances, finally unlocks the self-kindness that we
need so badly if we are to have any hope for recovery.
It is for these
reasons that sometimes find that we are ready to do service before we
originally thought. The fact that it calms us so quickly may be the reason.
Many of us have actually had the experience of having our anxiety reduce
dramatically, while in the very act of doing the service, especially the longer
we keep at it. Perhaps there is no need to understand why, but we suspect that
the reasons may be as follows: social anxiety at its root appears to be a sort
of self-obsession. So much of our social anxiety appears to be a habit of being
painfully and excessively self-aware-- We are literally locked in on ourselves.
Obsessed with our own thoughts, our own feelings, our own performance and our
own dilemmas the pattern of self-absorption taken to a miserable extreme
characterizes much of our waking lives, or surfaces in and dominates key areas
of our lives.
Commitment: Some may find that service works immediately as a
means of reducing their social anxiety and to a surprising extent. Others may
find that a longer-term commitment to service is necessary before results can
be realized. In any case, daily practice and many small acts of service done
regularly over a long period of time can make all the difference. So overcoming social anxiety comes though many acts service (compassionate actions) practiced daily, and though-out each day, many small, some large, but consistently practiced and with a sincere intention to be of help with no thought of reward for oneself. It turns out that is is kindness, given freely, that sets us free. **It should be noted here, that for unknown reasons, service to our fellow social anxiety sufferers has the most powerful healing effect for us, but only if we don't focus on the result, but instead focus on the service.
Why it works: Service to our fellow social anxiety
sufferer on the other hand, appears to be the exact spiritual opposite of
self-obsession. It is through helping
others that we forget ourselves and so forget to be anxious. The tight cycle of
obsession is broken and our energies are freed in expansive ways. Some of us
might say that higher power works through us when we do service, clearing away
the poisons of the ego as we move beyond our limited circumstances in order to
serve something greater than ourselves.
New focus: Others among us may not agree with any of this but
note instead that we simply break this dreadful cycle by shifting our focus
onto another and, they may add, sharing encouragement or even knowledge with
another is the best way to learn. Plus it keeps us on track—anxiety problems
are distracting and cause us to continually forget the tools of recovery that
we had previously acquired. Sharing the tools of recovery with another keeps
them fresh to us; keeps us focused.
The community that
results: Finally it is in the process
of committing to daily service to our fellow social anxiety sufferers, that we
who once lived for so many years in social isolation have eventually found
ourselves in a loving community of those who also struggle with this baffling
problem and who can help us to understand and love ourselves like no one else
can.
Whatever the reason, it works: Yet why it works is of less significance
to us than the fact that it does work— by being there, on a consistent basis
for our fellow support group members and trying to get the word out to our
fellow social anxiety sufferers wherever they may be, we bring the light of
hope and recovery to both ourselves and others.
Service also keeps us on
track: For those who have learned a
thing or two about how to make progress against anxiety, we can all relate to
the following disconcerting dynamic—
Anxiety disorders make us
constantly forget our recovery tools and concepts. Negative thoughts and
feelings can be so distracting and consuming; that the slightest backslide can
start a rapidly growing snowball of amnesia. Many of us have also had the
experience of reading a self help book, having it’s many great ideas help us
for a few days or weeks, but then have watched ourselves with alarm as we found
ourselves slipping back into the old patterns of socially anxious reactions.
By committing both to
attending support groups on a regular basis and to helping others as part of an
ongoing process, we find our slips and relapses to eventually come farther and
farther apart. Consistent service, we discover, can be a key part of consistent
life of recovery.
Simply put, since our anxiety
is persistent, it helps to be consistent in our efforts (although gently so).
Keep in mind that balance is the key: Paradoxically, another set of tools of equal
healing value for us in gently overcoming social anxiety are those that address the issue of codependency—the
pattern of being too worried about the needs and thoughts of others at the
expense of our own needs. This equally helpful approach centers on learning to
put ones own needs first, learning to be assertive and to make the real or
perceived demands of others less important than our own.
“How can this possibly be?” Some may ask, that in SPA
we hear that service on the one had can set us free from social anxiety; and
that on the other hand— getting selfish (in healthy and constructive ways) can
also reduce or eliminate our social fears?
Many of us at one point or another see this apparent
contradiction as a bewildering dilemma. We founder as we try to decide whether
we should be paying attention to the gives or the gets. How can one transcend
oneself and yet also be looking out for oneself at the same time? Some give up
trying to figure it out, others steadfastly commit to either one path or the
other, never realizing that both paths are fundamentally one and the same, and
both can be employed with no contradiction whatsoever.
In truth, if doing service for others helps us as
well, then there is no difference between helping other and helping
ourselves. With the following caveat—in
the arena of giving, we are each finite and mortal human beings. We each have
limited energy, limited capacity to love and to understand. So in this sense,
we each must give within our own limited capacities.
Balance is the key to making the tool of service work
without overextending ourselves or burning out. Balance also leaves room for
the other important work of social anxiety recovery— including work on learning
about and developing one’s capacity for nurturing oneself, learning to set
healthy limits with others, developing a healthy sense of separateness,
learning how to say no and how to stand up constructively and effectively.
Having said that, many of us often find that our capacity for healthy service is often greater than we think. And, keeping in mind the powerful healing benefits of service for one’s self as well as the receiver, often the energy and freedom returned is greater than the energy given. Although there is still a limit for all of us, and we try to keep in mind that we don’t go beyond our limits. We don’t live to recover but rather we recover to live— and so hopefully we are working towards lives that make room for new friendships and new activities in which service plays a key but not exclusive part.
Some specific acts of
service may include but are not limited to:
1) Smiling at, welcoming and encouraging other group
members (especially newcomers).
2) Sharing program knowledge and experience with fellow groups members **Try to avoid lecturing or pushing one approach to healing over another. Sticking to sharing one’s own experience as a part of telling ones own story is the best way to pass on program knowledge. In SPA we only make personal suggestions when personally asked.
4) Volunteering to read SPA
material to the group during first reading or second reading.
5) Volunteering to chair
(moderate) a social anxiety group on a short or longer-term basis.
6) Volunteering to be an SPA
email pen pal with someone who cannot yet speak at a phone or face-to-face
meeting; or who lives in an area not yet accessible to our groups (contact SPA
world services at 970-222-5380 or email healsocialanxiety@hotmail.com
to find a pen pal in need of support and encouragement).
7) Help get the word out
about your local group or Social Anxiety Anonymous / Social Phobics Anonymous in general. There are many
ways to do this, flyers, getting the meeting listed in the calendar section of
in local newspapers, local classified ads, free online classified ads, posting
links to the SPA website (www.healsocialanxiety.com)
online anxiety forums, getting other websites to list us (note: these should
only be anxiety or self-help relevant websites or it could hurt our internet
ranking).
Telling local therapists about the group; you could also contact your local mental health association NAMI chapter, emergency mental health hotlines, University student clinics, alternative health centers, psychological and psychiatric guilds and associations. The list is as endless as the imagination.
Sadly there are very few social anxiety support groups of any kind anywhere— the number of professionals in most yellow pages runs into the hundreds and so by calling some every day—
(One can call in the evening
and leave a voice mail message with the time and date of the support group –
this is very time efficient. Just leave a quick memo on each voicemail about
the support group, or SPA in general and be sure to leave a contact number or the
SPA web address). In so doing you can benefit form the healing practice of
service for months to come, all the while helping your local chapter of Social
Phobics Anonymous to grow).
8) Only a suggestion (not
required at all), but one that can bring noticeable results-- Set your
commitment level and stick to it (gently): Quantify your service actions
(pick a number that you will do every day—on most days) and commit to keeping
that level as much as reasonably possible.
The results are often immediate—service—when kept at the right frequency
and level often has a noticeable effect on a very gentle overcoming of social anxiety in relatively short
order.
If you want to try an
experiment—Do at minimum eight (small) acts of service to a fellow social
anxiety sufferer every day (takes half an hour total on average) and see how it
reduces your anxiety (breaks self-obsession) and even builds your group! Count
larger acts of service as equal to two or three smaller acts.
There are
also many other easy and simple ways to help to get the word out about the
group, limited only by the imagination, and all are acts of ervice to our
fellow social anxiety sufferer—
Contact SPA World Services for more ideas.
And remember— the point is not to feel overwhelmed or obligated to do anything.
Although we are trying to
help others, the point is for us to help ourselves through service. So we work
at a pace and to a degree that works best for you personally. Remember, this is
also not about giving up something—it is about getting our lives back through
service.
Many of us have found that
the time spent on service multiplied the free time in our lives by liberating
us form hours of imprisonment by social anxiety. That is why several acts of
service a day on an ongoing basis (many brief, taking only a few minutes) can
make a big difference in reducing and eventually gently overcoming our social anxiety.
Avoid ever pressuring
anyone else to do service in SPA. No one in SPA should ever feel like they have
to do one iota of service. Nor should we compare ourselves to others. We each find our own level with this, with zero
service being completely acceptable. No comparisons shouldever be made between group members. Some may also feel, upon reading this; that surely their recovery from social anxiety hasn’t begun until they embark upon a daily practice of service. That is not our point at all. In Social Phobics Anonymous there are many tools of healing and recovery in which service is only one. Each of us is free in SPA to pick the tools that work best for us individually at the time that works best for us. As has been mentioned here in many places, overcoming social anxiety should be a gentle and necessarily very individual process, guided, but not constrained by the Social Anxiety Anonymous program of recovery.
Service is one of many
options in the SPA program of recovery. However it is a powerful option, and
for many it can be an undiscovered treasure— with significant healing
potential.
Read More Chapters of Free Online Book Twelve Gentle Steps to Overcoming Social Anxiety
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To Social Phobics Anonymous Home Page To Find Social Anxiety Support Groups
The 12 Steps of Social Phobics Anonymous
Los 12 Pasos de Fóbicos Sociales Anónimo