Social Anxiety and Shifting: The Gentle Practice of Moving Out of Fear Share
Many social anxiety sufferers ask the same question
at one time or another: “When will I break free of my social fears?” For some a
rapid release from fear is a reality, often accompanied by a spiritual
transformation that is hard to articulate but equally hard to deny. But for a
majority of those who recover in Social Phobics’ Anonymous / Social Anxiety
Anonymous, change comes more gradually and follows a long period of study and
support group attendance. Gentle but persistent attempts at applying the Steps
and Tools to every day living eventually begin to reveal moments of daylight
peeking through gaps in the dark and once unceasing clouds of social anxiety.
Recovery in these cases comes at first intermittently, and then, with continued
and patient commitment, recurs more frequently as we get better at shifting
out of our fears. For many of us, rather than experiencing a sudden and total
remission of anxiety, steady but gentle work begins to reveal a once-hidden
ladder up which we can climb out of the pit of social fear over and over
again. In time we learn to ascend this ladder more easily, more quickly and
more consistently.
In SPA / SoCAA we call these repeated
transitions “from being trapped to being free “shifting”. Because we begin to gain
the ability to choose to move out of our anxiety, with the persistent
application of these tools, over and over again and for longer and longer
periods of time. Rather than being a ‘cure’ the fundamental change that occurs
is one from being permanently trapped to gaining the ability to get out of the
trap when we fall back into it. Letting go of perfectionism is key to the
increasing success of this approach. Rather than viewing each social anxiety
setback as a failure, we learn to see so-called failure as part of an overall
learning process. This opens the way to paying attention to ‘shifting’—
noticing when it happens— and then to repeating whatever works when we find
ourselves in similar situations in the future. In this way success builds on
success and failure becomes valuable fertilizer. Being open minded about the Social
Phobics Anonymous / Social Anxiety Anonymous tools of recovery can help to
speed this process, but paying attention to the moments when we shift out of
our fears is essential to learning how to apply these concepts to every day living.
But first, falling must no longer be seen
as a disaster or we will lose hope and stop trying. Only then do we have the
opportunity to become experienced and proficient climbers. Since shifting is
the ability to climb out of a pit that we used to live in all the time, this
very approach also helps us to become more comfortable with setbacks. Once
free, we may still fall back into our anxiety periodically, but since we are
getting better and better at climbing out of it, we are less disturbed by the
experience. We can even fall very calmly, knowing that we have the tools to
work back out of our anxiety. Eventually we spend the majority of our time free
of the pit, but in order to get to this place most of us must first get
comfortable with climbing back up and out over and over again.
We must also share what we are learning
with others in order to keep our knowledge of climbing fresh: Those who spend
most of their time free of the pit run the risk of forgetting how to climb back
out, and when they do eventually tumble back in, may, due to lack of practice,
become trapped. What then is the
solution to this dilemma? Surely we don’t want to forever stay so close to our
social fears in order to remain practiced.
The secret is to keep coming to SPA /
SocAA groups—even if we have been free from our social anxiety for a along
time—and to continually share our knowledge of climbing with others, in order
to keep it fresh in our own minds. Then the occasional tumble won’t leave us
stumped and trapped again!
Shifting also depends on faith. When we
fall we have to believe that there is a way out, or we won’t even try. Faith
allows us to imagine, or to remember, the way out. Faith also ensures that we
surrender our controlling will power and instead let our higher power work
through us to aid us in our climb. Shifting is like following a secret way out
of a dungeon; faith is the light that lets us find this path again and
again.
Gentleness is essential to shifting. We
may know what to do, but if we try to force our way out, social anxiety slams
shut a trap door and imprisons us until we soften our approach. We may not
always realize that we are not being gentle, especially with ourselves.
Perfectionism always lurks in the shadows, whispering to us that we must try
harder, battening down the trap door ever tighter. It also calls out to us and
tells us what failures we are; how we are doomed because we fall short; and we
may fall under its spell. As the result we may stop trying, or put up a mighty
struggle in valiant futility. The secret is that we must try— but try softer,
or we will remain trapped.
Compassion is the antidote to
perfectionism. If we can be kind to
ourselves in our difficult circumstances we can make progress. Sometimes being
kind to others can make it easier for us then to be kind to ourselves; so if
others are around and are receptive, this is a great opportunity. No one needs
to know we are working on our own recovery. Most people appreciate kind acts;
Kind thoughts also soften our minds, as does healthy unattached love and
forgiveness. If we are bruised and battered from our fall into the pit, we can
be nurturing to ourselves: We can ask ourselves what we need in order to feel
really taken care of in a loving way. Are we getting enough rest? What do we
want right now, a relaxing cup of tea or a comforting nap? To listen to our
favorite piece of music? To call a dear friend, or read a treasured book or
watch a good movie? How can we take it easy for a bit before we try again? Even
when we are at work there are small comforts that can cause us to ease up on
ourselves: If allowed, a few minutes wandering on the Internet, or getting a
cup of tea or taking a break and going outside for a walk or talking to a
favorite coworker can all help. In any case, being kind to ourselves makes us
more gentle and fluid in our efforts, which makes shifting out of our social
anxiety easier again.
With faith, gentleness and persistent
practice we find that we can shift out of our fears again and again. Although
infrequently at first— with the help of a higher power and persistent study and
application of SPA 12 Steps in our daily lives, we can become proficient at
working our way out of our social fears. This commitment can then help us to
spend most of the time in the light and to know the way back home without
self-condemnation when we do slip. In time, the SPA program leads us to a place
where we spend the majority of our lives free of social anxiety, and free of
the fear of social anxiety as well; confident that we know what to do when it
returns.
Return to the Social Phobics
Anonymous / Social Anxiety Anonymous Literature page: www.spalibrary.info
Return to Social Phobics
Anonymous / Social Anxiety Anonymous Home Page: www.healsocialanxiety.com
(Here one can find free SPA / SocAA Support groups, both local and available over the telephone via a free conference call service).